My Life...

   One morning recently, a thought popped , unexpectedly into my head; I'm happy with my life, I'm content.  WHOA!!!   How and when did that happen?  Don't get me wrong, I am happy most of the time.  But, as would be expected, I do have moments when I am a bit sad.  I  miss Jeff.  If I were to think of it all of the time I would miss him all of the time.  Thankfully, I have many other things to occupy my mind and take up the "space" in my mind that if I were not this busy would be occupied by missing him.  Distraction, as we learned as parents, can be a useful tool.  But, to move on, to move forward, one must think, remember, reminisce, and yes, even be sad once in a while.  And then,one day,  one can think and remember and reminisce and do so with Joy and be happy.  And that, can take one by surprise. On this morning, I realized that I can be happy and content while still missing Jeff.  It doesn't have to be one or the other.  Again, I know I already knew this somewhere inside but, to have it be such a conscious thought was surprising.
   I had the hardest time looking at family pictures with Jeff in them for more than 6 months.  He was, or at least looked, so healthy!  My most recent and vivid memories of him are of course, those when he did not look so healthy and in fact was struggling a great deal.  I am now able to look at pics and remember the fun, the good times!  It still can bring a tear to my eyes but, I can look at them!  Progress!

July 2010, just a few weeks before Jeff's bone marrow transplant

   Grief is a strange process.  Some days, I can have a conversation and be perfectly matter of fact and unemotional about it.  Another day, the same thought or conversation can make me tear up.  No rhyme, no reason.  I can't explain it but I do accept it.  It is what it is.  Feel it and by doing so it will, eventually, free you.  (or at least me.)  I have a choice.  Get stuck in it or get through it.  I can't go back and live in the past, pretending nothing is wrong, nothing has changed.  I can't stay stuck in it, that is not really living life.  One can not move forward that way.  So, I must get through it.
   Late last summer, I was dreading the arrival of autumn, usually my favorite time of the year.  I realized one day that, I was dreading autumn because when it came, it would mean summer was gone.  In the summer, I (we) still had Jeff.  Fall arriving felt like I was leaving him behind.  On New Years Eve and Day, I again felt a bit melancholy starting a new year, my first in 33 years, without Jeff.  And, then I realized that it was the same concept of the summer/autumn.  It also means that I should say, "my husband passed away last year" not a few months ago or this past summer.  A subtle yet  Huge difference.  Time was moving on and I can choose to move on with it or to stay "stuck.".  I choose to move forward.  I hate the feeling of moving "farther away" from Jeff but, in truth, he is always close; in my heart and everywhere I look in my home.  In the pics, and the projects and in the kids.  The dates, the seasons, the numbers, they are all just that.  Jeff will be as close as we want or need him to be whenever we want!  The "firsts" of many things will continue for a bit but I am working on letting go of all of those "numbers."
   And then, the morning when this thought hit me.  Not that I felt unhappy prior to this.  But to actually have this thought pop into my head was a surprise.  It was a normal morning.  I had a busy week, worked at both jobs, had coffee with an old friend from school one morning and then met other friends  one evening after work.  This particular morning, I was planning on staying home, in my jammies half the day, cleaning and catching up.  I had chili in the crock pot and was on my second load of laundry and 3rd cup of coffee.  I had already crossed a number of things off my to do list and had just finished a late breakfast.  I was reading one of the 5 or 6 books I was currently making my way through and as a finished a chapter and closed the book, getting up to take care of my coffee cup and attend to the laundry, when the thought popped into my head.  I am happy and content with my life!  To say I was surprised by the thought would be accurate.  I never doubted that I was or would be happy.  But, I never had such a clear thought about it. 
   To realize this , not only in my mind (I think I knew this all along) but also feel it in my heart, seemed to be such a Blessing.  To know that I can miss Jeff and still be happy is a Blessing.  To have 2 jobs I enjoy, to be connecting and reconnecting with friends, to be learning new things and trying new things, to be willing and able to stretch and grow, sometimes a bit outside of what would have been in the past, my comfort zone, is all a Blessing.  To have enough time to do the things that need to be done and then have enough time to do many of the things I want to do is a Blessing. 
    Since this moment one morning, I have had moments of missing Jeff, melancholy moments.  I knew that morning as I know right now, I will always have those moments.  But, that is ok.  Just knowing that I can be happy and content, most of the time is enough.  To know that,  when I have a melancholy moment or day,  it will  soon pass, is a good thing.  During those moments, I will remember the feeling from that morning and know it will be ok!
    I'll leave you all with another pic, an oldie!  This picture was recently found by my niece and my brother in law sent it to me.   Anyone who knows Jeff will see that this was how he was and it really made me smile!

Taken Christmas of '78 or '79

(((Hugs)))
  Brenda

Christmas, 7 months and a New Year

Christmas Morning 2012

    So many of you asked about the kids and I and our Holiday.  So many were thinking of us, sent special notes in cards and went the extra step with kindness and concern and Prayers.  Thank You!!!
   We did not know what to expect.  Well, actually, we expected Christmas to be difficult.  But, I don't think any of us expected it to be quite as difficult as it was.  With more than 6 months passed and quickly approaching 7, we all felt like we are doing quite good.  And then, bam!  Well, we got through it and for that I am grateful!  If this were a test, all I can say is that we passed.  Not with flying colors and maybe just barely but, we got through it. 
   I think that a lot all came together at once.  To celebrate Christmas for the first time (for me) in 33 years without Jeff was hard.  For the kids too!  To put presents under the tree and fill stockings alone was very hard!  Also, just days before Christmas, I learned of yet another friend/former neighbors passing, also at the hands of cancer.  This along with knowing of several others in the hospital, all  in extremely serious condition and, knowing how their families were too struggling to find a way to be celebratory at what should and usually is one of the happiest times of the year for most of us and was just beyond difficult  for them,  really brought me down.  My heart was breaking for so many! All of this came together to once again highlight how fragile life is!  How all we know and love can change or be taken away in an instant! (like I actually forgot that lesson!)  This, along with some extended family dynamics and changes all came together and I allowed the stress of those situations on top of what was likely going to be a very rough  Christmas anyway, to cause some physical symptoms. Two relatives chose not to attend the Christmas Day gathering and that saddened  the kids and  myself greatly!  The only gift I wanted was the gift of  spending time together, the best gift of all!  Peace on Earth and goodwill  etc, lol!  The lesson I must learn (so I have been told!) is that I will never be able to please everyone.  That's a hard one but, for my sake and my kids, it's a lesson I may have to finally learn.
   Christmas eve, for me, was the most difficult!  Christmas Day proved to be better, thankfully! The kids and I gathered on Christmas eve and watched Jeff's favorite Christmas movie (National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation).  Drew and Bri both spent the night at the house and Chase returned later on Christmas morning for gifts and brunch.  Later that afternoon, most of  the rellies showed up to spend some time together.   I very much enjoyed the time spent together with all those who did come over! The kids said the same thing.   I know it was difficult for a few, for various reasons, and I am so glad they chose to be a part of the day!  The support that their presence showed for the kids and I is something we are all grateful for!

                                                                                                                                        
  We did do some special things too.  I had purchased a Memory Candle just before Thanksgiving and we lit it for Thanksgiving as well as Christmas eve and Christmas day.

"In Memory of a Life so beautifully lived,

a Heart so deeply Loved."

   I also made an ornament with our motto on it and a friend gave us a very special ornament too! 

Make Every Moment Count!

So Sweet!

  Some new traditions have begun, some old have been left behind.  As the kids get older and have BF's and GF's families to spend time with, I can see that future Christmases will also be evolving to allow them time for that. That may mean more new traditions and more changes. I don't know what next year will bring but I do know we will be stronger than ever and get through it. Together!

Gift to the kids

 

   As I sit here, on the first day of a New Year, I can't help but reflect back on 2012.  Jeff and I started the year with so much hope.  One must have hope!  The year also began with several losses.  By years end, I had lost 1 husband (and best friend), 2 grandmothers (mine and Jeff's), and 5 friends!  With so many others struggling with health issues, some fighting for their lives, I can honestly say I 2012 was a difficult year!  We also have begun learning how to celebrate events without Jeff (tho he is always on our minds and in our hearts!).  We have made it through Father's Day, our anniversary, Jeff's Birthday and all 3 kids Birthdays, Thanksgiving, 1 college graduation, Christmas and now begin a New Year.  We have made it through 6 months (seven in a few days) and that fact alone is mind boggling to me!    There were also many wonderful moments and memories form the year, many of which I have written about and all of which I am very grateful for! My Hope and Prayer, is that 2013 be a kinder and gentler year!  For myself and my kids and for the so many others who were dealt losses and severe difficulties in 2012.  
   In the book I have been reading, Healing After Loss , contained in the entry for Dec. 31 is the quote "It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness."  Christmas Eve, I felt  I could only curse the darkness.  That is no way to honor the memory of those we have loved and lost.  That is not normaI behavior for me .I have  found, and re lit the candle and will try and keep it lit moving into 2013 as a  way to honor Jeff!

Happy New Year to all!  May you all "Make every moment count!"

 and...

May all your joys be true joys, and all your pain Champagne.
― Anonymous

New Years Pomosa

 

(((hugs)))

Brenda