The following is my "last" (for now) post to Care Pages. I will blog here when "The Spirit Moves Me"! Could be often or infrequent or sporadic. We'll see. This is a work in progress. I am learning as I go. Please be patient with me!
"Moments"
Nearly five weeks and many "Moments" have passed since Jeff passed away. So
many of you have asked how I am doing. How the kids are doing. Thank you for
checking in on us. For asking. The answer is, we are actually doing well most of
the time. For me, (and I am sure the kids too), there are moments. But, they are
moments, not whole days. That is good.
Speaking for myself, I miss Jeff! I miss seeing him and Bear sitting together in his chair. (I sit there once in a while with Bear but, Bear sits there often when I am not in a sit still mood!) I miss his voice, his presence. Mostly, I miss the companionship. Eating a meal with him, discussing the news or the day with him. Sometimes, I just want to ask him something, and more often I think, "I need to tell Jeff this"! All normal I am sure and mostly, I really am doing well.
A few friends have made a point to text, e mail or call me every few days:) Thank you! Thank you for checking on me. For asking me if I am eating (I'm sure Jeff put you up to that!). Mostly,I am eating but weekends I find that breakfast and lunch prove to be elusive:( I don't mean miss them, it just happens! I'm better with supper at least!
So often I have heard about "milestones" and "anniversaries". Often, it is said that the anticipation of these days is worse than the actual day itself. I can't say for sure if this is true or not. For me, for us, we had 2 kind of big days come so soon, there really wasn't much time to anticipate! Father's Day came the day after Jeff's "Celebration" and honestly, we were so busy up to that point I realy didn't have time to think too deeply about it. As it turned out,I did feel quite melancholy that day:( It was actually the very first day since Jeff had passed that I didn't have to accomplish many things and that was likely a big part of the problem! In fact, tho there were things to do, and I did do some of them, I probably just needed the "down time" and it coincided with Father's day. Bear and I went for a walk which was nice and then the kids all came over in the evening which was perfect!
Three days later would have been our 31st anniversary! Now, that one I did think a bit about ahead of time. I am so grateful that it fell on a week day and not on a weekend! Weekends tend to be more difficult whereas weekdays I have appointments, make phone calls and work. I did work that day and my friend Deb suggested that we go out for dinner that night after work. I gladly and gratefully agreed! I had been given a gift certificate for my Birthday with "instructions" for Jeff and I to have a nice dinner out. Unfortunately, between surgeries, lack of appetite and hospitalizations, we never used it:( It seemed fitting then, that I use it to still celebrate our anniversary, our marriage, our life together. Thank you Deb for doing this, it meant the world to me! Thanks also to the few brave souls who "dared" to call or e mail and tell me they were thinking of me that day! I know how you must have debated over whether or not to mention it but, I am so glad you did. It would not have been right to let that day go by without acknowledgement and I will always be grateful to you for that!
Next up, 4th of July. Independence Day. A more casual day for us but it always involved grilling (no surprise) and family. Yes, one "anniversary" after another. Maybe it was good that several came so quickly and we didn't have to much time to anticipate?!? It also occured to me that the day had a bit of a double meaning for me this year. I celebrated "Independence Day" with the rest of the country but I also realized that I must (no, not celebrate!) embrace my independence. Both Jeff and I were/are very independent people who were lucky ebough to have each other to depend on. Yes, you can have it both ways! But, now I must be independent without that special person in my life. Now, I am on my own. Yes, a double meaning indeed! Thank you to Derek's family for including me in their familie's bbq! It was so nice to have that to look forward to:) Thank you for teaching me how to play Corn Hole, that was so much fun!
This past month or so has been odd. Very busy in many ways. There is so much that needs to be taken care of; insurance stuff (lots of that), bank stuff, budget stuff, medical stuff (yes, that will go on for a while yet), fur kids are overdue for appointments and shots and I am overdue for the dentist! Many appointments and phone calls. I am getting through it but it all takes time and patience. And then, not so busy as before in other ways. I am catching up on many things, including sleep but the mind and body react in odd and unexpected ways. I find that I have a very diffcult time sitting and relaxing for more than about 5 minutes! This week, I managed to get to 10 or 15 a couple of times. I never have much "sit em in me" and certainly not the last few months. So, now that I could, I find both my mind and body are so used to "go go going" that sitting and relaxing is a process to be re learned! A bit of a challenge but I will get there. I am not alone. Sandy and I talk often and she too is struggling with exactly the same issues (why I am not surprised? We are so much alike!)
One thing I realized just recently is that I automatically write Care Page updates in my head. I was very surprised to find that I actually enjoyed the process of writing. It really became a way for me to organize my thoughts and the information we were given and yes, in figuring out a way to explain medications and procedures and plans to all of you. It also helped us to understand it all better. It also became a way for us to look back and recall things, events, memories and even funny moments that we may not have remembered or remembered clearly! A "journal" of sorts. I am very gratefull that I have all of that information recorded:)And so, as I mentioned, I find myself composing an update only to realize, this is not necessary. So many of you have said to me, "you missed your calling", "you should be a writer" , "I enjoy how you write" etc. Ok, maybe you are just being very very nice?!?! Thank you for the kind words but, writing for me at least, should be for fun now. Not beacuse I am on a deadline or because I needed to get an update done in a timely maneer. Just for fun. In any case, I considered, as far back as a year ago, writing a blog but, yeah, I needed one more thing to maintain like I needed ..., well, you get the picture! With these new found bits of time on my hands and still feeling the urge to write and the need to record "moments" so I don't look back a year or 2 or 10 from now and find it's all a blur or a haze, I have decided to do just that. Start an online blog. A journal. It will mostly be lighthearted, satirical and hopefully funny and entertaining. Many of you seem to like laughing at me and I like to make people laugh so...we'll see! If no one "follows" me that is OK with me! This is more for me, a therapy of sorts:) If you do follow, and laugh, great. I can't promise it won't ever touch on a more "raw" emotion but mostly it's just for entertainment. I can promise you this; there will be puncuation, grammar and even spelling errors! (I actually am good at spelling but tend to type quickly and have "fat finger syndrome"!) Please don't mind, I don't.(and don't correct me!) As much as I love to read and really do enjoy writing, I am not a "writer"! I, if given the option, always took a lit class over a comp class to fulfill an enlglish requirement! Also, I am good with Facebook and Care Pages but, I have never written a blog before. I am still working with the layout etc. and it may change a bit. I may mess up and tweak it often but I will learn. The link to the blog, called "My Moments" is www.mymomentsjournal.blogspot.com
Join me there if you dare!
Well folks, I think that is it. For now. I may be back here on Care Pages if it seems appropriate but, for now, you'll find me on Facebook or my blog. I am working on My oments, in reality and on the blog. Moments with our kids and still spreading our message;
"Make Every Moment count!"
(((Hugs)))
Brenda
Speaking for myself, I miss Jeff! I miss seeing him and Bear sitting together in his chair. (I sit there once in a while with Bear but, Bear sits there often when I am not in a sit still mood!) I miss his voice, his presence. Mostly, I miss the companionship. Eating a meal with him, discussing the news or the day with him. Sometimes, I just want to ask him something, and more often I think, "I need to tell Jeff this"! All normal I am sure and mostly, I really am doing well.
A few friends have made a point to text, e mail or call me every few days:) Thank you! Thank you for checking on me. For asking me if I am eating (I'm sure Jeff put you up to that!). Mostly,I am eating but weekends I find that breakfast and lunch prove to be elusive:( I don't mean miss them, it just happens! I'm better with supper at least!
So often I have heard about "milestones" and "anniversaries". Often, it is said that the anticipation of these days is worse than the actual day itself. I can't say for sure if this is true or not. For me, for us, we had 2 kind of big days come so soon, there really wasn't much time to anticipate! Father's Day came the day after Jeff's "Celebration" and honestly, we were so busy up to that point I realy didn't have time to think too deeply about it. As it turned out,I did feel quite melancholy that day:( It was actually the very first day since Jeff had passed that I didn't have to accomplish many things and that was likely a big part of the problem! In fact, tho there were things to do, and I did do some of them, I probably just needed the "down time" and it coincided with Father's day. Bear and I went for a walk which was nice and then the kids all came over in the evening which was perfect!
Three days later would have been our 31st anniversary! Now, that one I did think a bit about ahead of time. I am so grateful that it fell on a week day and not on a weekend! Weekends tend to be more difficult whereas weekdays I have appointments, make phone calls and work. I did work that day and my friend Deb suggested that we go out for dinner that night after work. I gladly and gratefully agreed! I had been given a gift certificate for my Birthday with "instructions" for Jeff and I to have a nice dinner out. Unfortunately, between surgeries, lack of appetite and hospitalizations, we never used it:( It seemed fitting then, that I use it to still celebrate our anniversary, our marriage, our life together. Thank you Deb for doing this, it meant the world to me! Thanks also to the few brave souls who "dared" to call or e mail and tell me they were thinking of me that day! I know how you must have debated over whether or not to mention it but, I am so glad you did. It would not have been right to let that day go by without acknowledgement and I will always be grateful to you for that!
Next up, 4th of July. Independence Day. A more casual day for us but it always involved grilling (no surprise) and family. Yes, one "anniversary" after another. Maybe it was good that several came so quickly and we didn't have to much time to anticipate?!? It also occured to me that the day had a bit of a double meaning for me this year. I celebrated "Independence Day" with the rest of the country but I also realized that I must (no, not celebrate!) embrace my independence. Both Jeff and I were/are very independent people who were lucky ebough to have each other to depend on. Yes, you can have it both ways! But, now I must be independent without that special person in my life. Now, I am on my own. Yes, a double meaning indeed! Thank you to Derek's family for including me in their familie's bbq! It was so nice to have that to look forward to:) Thank you for teaching me how to play Corn Hole, that was so much fun!
This past month or so has been odd. Very busy in many ways. There is so much that needs to be taken care of; insurance stuff (lots of that), bank stuff, budget stuff, medical stuff (yes, that will go on for a while yet), fur kids are overdue for appointments and shots and I am overdue for the dentist! Many appointments and phone calls. I am getting through it but it all takes time and patience. And then, not so busy as before in other ways. I am catching up on many things, including sleep but the mind and body react in odd and unexpected ways. I find that I have a very diffcult time sitting and relaxing for more than about 5 minutes! This week, I managed to get to 10 or 15 a couple of times. I never have much "sit em in me" and certainly not the last few months. So, now that I could, I find both my mind and body are so used to "go go going" that sitting and relaxing is a process to be re learned! A bit of a challenge but I will get there. I am not alone. Sandy and I talk often and she too is struggling with exactly the same issues (why I am not surprised? We are so much alike!)
One thing I realized just recently is that I automatically write Care Page updates in my head. I was very surprised to find that I actually enjoyed the process of writing. It really became a way for me to organize my thoughts and the information we were given and yes, in figuring out a way to explain medications and procedures and plans to all of you. It also helped us to understand it all better. It also became a way for us to look back and recall things, events, memories and even funny moments that we may not have remembered or remembered clearly! A "journal" of sorts. I am very gratefull that I have all of that information recorded:)And so, as I mentioned, I find myself composing an update only to realize, this is not necessary. So many of you have said to me, "you missed your calling", "you should be a writer" , "I enjoy how you write" etc. Ok, maybe you are just being very very nice?!?! Thank you for the kind words but, writing for me at least, should be for fun now. Not beacuse I am on a deadline or because I needed to get an update done in a timely maneer. Just for fun. In any case, I considered, as far back as a year ago, writing a blog but, yeah, I needed one more thing to maintain like I needed ..., well, you get the picture! With these new found bits of time on my hands and still feeling the urge to write and the need to record "moments" so I don't look back a year or 2 or 10 from now and find it's all a blur or a haze, I have decided to do just that. Start an online blog. A journal. It will mostly be lighthearted, satirical and hopefully funny and entertaining. Many of you seem to like laughing at me and I like to make people laugh so...we'll see! If no one "follows" me that is OK with me! This is more for me, a therapy of sorts:) If you do follow, and laugh, great. I can't promise it won't ever touch on a more "raw" emotion but mostly it's just for entertainment. I can promise you this; there will be puncuation, grammar and even spelling errors! (I actually am good at spelling but tend to type quickly and have "fat finger syndrome"!) Please don't mind, I don't.(and don't correct me!) As much as I love to read and really do enjoy writing, I am not a "writer"! I, if given the option, always took a lit class over a comp class to fulfill an enlglish requirement! Also, I am good with Facebook and Care Pages but, I have never written a blog before. I am still working with the layout etc. and it may change a bit. I may mess up and tweak it often but I will learn. The link to the blog, called "My Moments" is www.mymomentsjournal.blogspot.com
Join me there if you dare!
Well folks, I think that is it. For now. I may be back here on Care Pages if it seems appropriate but, for now, you'll find me on Facebook or my blog. I am working on My oments, in reality and on the blog. Moments with our kids and still spreading our message;
"Make Every Moment count!"
(((Hugs)))
Brenda
I'm here and you are BOOKMARKED!!! Can't wait to see where this journey takes you :) ((((((HUGS)))))))
ReplyDeleteIt is always about the Journey, not the destination Jenn! I tend to look at things as "adventures" so, this is my adventure into blogging (on a new level anyway!)
Delete(((hugs))) back at ya!
Brenda