Going back

Going Back...

Sometimes, going back can help us move forward.

   There are a couple of things I have been wanting to do.  First, I wanted to go back to the Inn at Freedom Village.  I wanted to go back and thank  all of the wonderful people there who took care of Jeff.  I asked Sandy if she would like to go with me (Sandy was Jeff's room mates (John) wife.)  Sandy said she would but wasn't ready yet this summer.  Late in Sept. we got together for the day and the first thing we did was pick up some flowers and go to the Inn.  It was mostly good.  It was so nice to see the people we spent so much time with for so long!  It was so nice to be able to thank them!  Something I didn't plan on but became clear; it was nice for them too!  They were glad to see us and to see how we were doing.  It was nice for them to be able to express their sympathy.  I had never thought ahead about how our visit could  be a good thing for them.  We laughed a lot!  We hugged a lot!  There were a lot of memories! And yes, there were a few teary moments.  Mostly when one of the staff got teary.  All in all, I am very glad we went!  I am very glad that Sandy and I had each other to lean on and do this together!
   Another place I had been wanting to go back to was Ann Arbor.  It truly holds so many good memories for me!  We loved the area and the people.  We made new friends there.  I had not been there since last winter.  So, Bri and I recently made a trip back.  Bri spent much time there with us and was somewhat familiar with the area.  We knew we would be on a tight schedule and could not see everyone.  I knew going back to the hospital was not a good idea.  In large part because we wouldn't be able to see anyone without an appointment anyway.  But, I knew I did want to see Juliana!  I met Juliana shortly after arriving in AA.  (My sister introduced us.)  Juliana had recently moved to the area and was struggling a bit with the move.  We hit it off and spent hours together over coffee talking and laughing.  Sharing books and getting to know each other.  Juliana and Shelly even came to our hotel one day and we took over the breakfast room and each created our Christmas cards for the year.  Bri wanted to find a dress for graduation.  I had a return to make at World Market and a Birthday gift to purchase.  I really wanted to go back to Hello Faz pizza for lunch, Jeff and I loved that place!  I also wanted to visit "our pond", go to Whole Foods and make a stop at Trader Joes for a friend.  All of these things were accomplished and we did spend some time in the afternoon catching up with Juliana as well!  It was SO NICE to see her again!  I navigated my way around AA as though we had never left.  I would have liked to spend some time in the downtown area but we just did not have enough time.  I guess I'll just have to go back again!   I wondered how it would feel to be back there.  Again, mostly, it was good!  There are a lot of memories in AA for me and a lot of them were good so I tried to focus on those.  Something that surprised me was, on the way there, I found myself remembering many of my thoughts from our very first trip to AA for Jeff's initial consultation.  I'd pass a sign or a land mark and remember what I was thinking about at that time.  I would have expected to remember more from our most recent trips but for some reason, my mind went back to the first trip.  Again, maybe going back helps us move forward?
   Drew is also doing some "going back" business!    Drew decided to go back to school this fall after taking some time off.  He is focused on what he wants and is excited to be back in school!  (I am excited about him being excited!!! I know Jeff would be pleased too!)   And, Drew is going back home.  I admit, at the risk of sounding like a bad parent, I am not as excited about this.  I have mixed feelings.  Mostly, I am glad that this will allow him to get his feet under back under him, save some money and be able to make a decision about where he goes from here without having to rush into it.  (He and Bri are even talking about living together for a bit before she starts grad school!)  But, I have been finding my own way, on my own, for 5 months now.  I feel like I am just feeling comfortable in where I am, even if my "new normal" is not "normal" for others.  I eat when I am hungry which is not always at a "normal meal time hour."  I go to bed when I am tired, often staying up till midnight reading.  I vacuum when I want, do laundry when I want etc. I know this must sound selfish but I am trying to be honest here.  On the other hand, I never considered saying no and will be glad to see him more than I usually do! To add someone back into this equation just when I have gotten to this point will be another learning experience for me.  Probably for Drew too!  But,  Drew is learning to "go back" in order to move forward!
   I have also been going back and catching up with friends from "way back when."  I refer to these friend as "forever friends."  (It is much nicer than saying "old friends")  I have a few friends who live out of state that I have know since grade or middle school.  When they are back in Holland it is so nice to visit in person and catch up!  FaceBook has gone a long way towards keeping people in touch but nothing beats sitting down in person!  I also have some friends from when the kids were little.  As our kids got older, went to different schools and  got involved in different activities , we spent less time together.  But over the years, first through Christmas cards and then FB, we have kept in touch in some way.  Now, I am enjoying being able to reconnect in person, spending time together over coffee or the occasional lunch or supper and I feel very Blessed that both these friends and  so many of my friends, stuck with me, were patient when I couldn't be there for them the last few years and now want to spend time together again!  Forever friends, more recent friends, even new friends.  Just going back to reconnecting with friends is a very good way for me to move forward!  
   Coming up, there will be another opportunity to "go back."  My Gram passed away in August.  As a kid and even when Jeff and I first married, we always went to Grams house with all the relatives for Christmas.  Eventually, we grew to a very large group and it was a lot for Gram so we started going to one of our Aunts houses and even tried other venues.  My Gram lived just about a mile from where I live.  I grew up spending time in this area and at Grams house.  One of my Aunts and Uncle have now purchased Grams house with the intent to do some work on it and eventually live there.  This year, for Christmas, we will all gather once again at Grams house! To be going back to Gram's house for the Holidays after all these years seems to me to be a good way to move forward!  Christmas will be very different this year.  I am still not sure what we are going to do.  I really feel that to do everything exactly the same, as though nothing has changed, would be like ignoring the elephant in the room.  I would like to make some changes (not exactly sure what yet) and still maintain some traditions.  Maybe even start a new tradition?  I have talked to someone at Hospice and received some literature on this.  A good start is going back to Grams house.  A very old tradition, updated.  Similar but different.  Going back. Moving forward.  Whatever we do, we will "Make every moment count!"

(((Hugs)))
  Brenda