1 year

   1 year. It seems like it has flown by and yet been forever. 
   I've been trying not to get to caught up in "dates" but, one year is a date that can not, and should not be ignored.  I feel the need to take some time and reflect, to honor Jeff with our thoughts and memories :)
   The "moments" are not as intense and are becoming less frequent but, they still happen.  Its ok. Its all part of the process. Feeling is living.  If I didn't feel, i would only be existing, not living.  We must live. We must feel.  We must go on. We know that is what Jeff would have wanted. Is that easy?  No! But, as the sign I once made for Jeff says, "nothing worth having comes easy!"
   I still miss Jeff like crazy but the difference I think is that missing used to hurt so much and though I still miss him each and every day, it doesn't hurt like it did before.  Now I am able to miss him and remember with more smiles and fewer tears. Gods healing grace at work!
   Life is very different for me now. Different doesn't have to be bad, its just, well,  changed.  for me.  The last 30+ years were done as a partnership.  Jeff and I made decisions together, did yard work together, parented together, cooked together, and more.  It was a good, healthy, happy, loving partnership. Now, I make all those decisions on my own.  Mostly anyway.  If it is something about the yard, I may get Chase's input since he helps me in that area.  And, I ask advice occasionally, but, ultimately, the decisions are mine alone to make. Mostly, I'm ok with this, not such a big deal. It's just different.
   Even though our children are now all young adults, I still miss having a parenting partner!  Someone to balance me.  Someone to bounce ideas off of or share worries with.  Yes, I miss that!  I enjoy cooking and I am getting decent at grilling (that was Jeff's  speciality!)  but we frequently cooked together and i miss that.  It was a nice activity each evening, a nice time of togetherness.  On the other hand, now I eat only what I want and when I want. If I want fish and rice 3 times a week, its all good.  And, I don't miss pot roasts!    I really miss watching the news together and discussing it. I really really miss coming home and each talking about our day. Good things, funny things, rough things.  Recently, I had a very difficult end to my day at work with a customer who (and i don't say this often or lightly)  was rude, mean and demanding beyond reason. Other customers were shaking their heads in sympathy. If was a rare moment to be sure. I really let it get to me and really missed having someone to come home,and share this with. I miss hearing Jeff's funny stories and hearing of the practical jokes that went on at work.  A few weeks later, as I got some surprising and good news, my first thought was, I cant wait to tell Jeff.  Yes, that still happens. I really miss the sharing.
  I keep busy!   keeping busy is good for me  and, I truly enjoy my jobs!   A bonus and a Blessing!   Add  in the chores and errands and yard work  and I keep very busy. One thing  I have made time for this year is a book club and I am so glad!  This is a  great group of women (including our daughters) and we all have a wonderful,time! The laughter, discussions, support, friendship and camaraderie make this a  not to be missed event in any month !  Better than therapy, LOL! 
   I have found myself falling into a new routine as well.  I try and cook on Sunday and Monday (my days off) and plan leftovers from those meals to get me through at least Wed.,if not Thur.  I don't get home from work most nights till at least 6:30 or later so ready to reheat/healthy meals are a must.  I am able, for the first time since I cant remember when, to sleep till nearly 7am each day.   This is good because, I have also become a bit more of  a night owl staying up past midnight reading nearly every night!  With Jeff's work schedule and the kids school schedule, I never would have done that! Now, my reading time late at night is something I look forward to each day!   
  So many things have changed.  This is not where I envisioned I would be today if I had been asked 5 years ago.  (and who among us would?)  So many lessons learned.  Accept help with a grateful heart.  Every day is a gift, embrace it and find the joy in it.  Balance in life is important.  Live life, don't just exist. Move forward in a positive manner.  Make every moment count!
   I find my balance with  a walk or hike. Dinner or coffee with a friend. Reading, a lot of reading! Blogging.  Trying to make the best of what life has handed me.  Trying to help others when I am able.  Trying to learn how to grieve and yet live all at the same time. Trying to live in the present and move into our futures while honoring our past.   Trying to appreciate and be grateful for all I do have.Trying to make every moment count. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I fall. Sometimes I just have a difficult day. But, each morning I wake up is a good day. Each morning God grants me is a gift. A gift to try again. To do better.
    Thank you to everyone who has helped us in some way to get through the challenges of this past year!  For the phone calls, e mails, cards, texts etc!  For dinner invitations, coffee breaks, book club, walks and all that!  For the emotional support and physical help!  For the kind words, good thoughts and Prayers!  For not forgetting us!  For being our friends!  Where we are today is a direct reflection in large part to all of you for all of these things!
   I'll leave you all with this; something inspired in part by our motto "make every moment count" and in part by something I read recently:

   "Life is made up of moments. Some of those moments are fill with joy, some with anger, some with sadness. But, there is always hope that at the end of the day, there would be balance-the light and dark, sorrow and gladness."

   My life is indeed made up of many moments and the vast majority of moments of joy!  There are very few moments of actual anger, life is just too short for that!  And, the moments of sadness as I mentioned are becoming less frequent and less intense.   There is (mostly) balance :)  
   "Make every moment count!"

(((hugs)))
 Brenda