4 years.
How can this be?
The past 4 years have been ones of personal growth and self discovery. Of finding a strength I never knew I had. Of hard work and hard lessons. Of change. Great change.
The things I miss…His smile, his odd sense of humor. His snoring in the night and morning good bye kiss. Lazy Sunday mornings together. Cooking together, sitting on the deck and catching up at the end of our day. Being part of a couple, a team.
As the picture says; I don’t post for sympathy, I post to keep Jeff’s memory alive! No matter where my journey takes me, Jeff will always be a part of me and his memory will live on <3
So, remember Jeff with a smile today. Do a kindness for someone else and think of him. Hug someone you love and, Make every moment count!
(((Hugs)))
Brenda
The above is what I posted to my Facebook page and to a closed widow/widowers group on the 4th anniversary of Jeff's passing.
Truth be told, in many ways, the anniversary date of his diagnosis is the harder of the two days. It is the day that everything changed. The day that we knew, know matter what the outcome of such a devastating diagnosis, whether we would be given a miracle or not, that our lives would never be the same again.
A friend sent me the following link from the Huffington Post on this 4th anniversary. After a particularly upsetting conversation in which it became clear that widows and their actions or inaction's are often misunderstood, and then coincidentally being sent this article, I've decided to share it here. I've read similar articles before but, this was was so well written, so informational and not sarcastic or accusatory that I felt it was appropriate to share. I also asked and recieved permission from the moderator of one of those Widow/widower groups to post this and the response has been overwhelming! The number of "likes", comments and shares has blown me away and shown me that these are very common issues!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/what-young-widows-want-family-friends-to-know_us_5744be53e4b0009f3d8457e6
(Please note: I was not able to include a clickable link so I copied and pasted the article and am in no way claiming the following writing as my own! I have included the above information that you can copy and paste to bring you to the actual article!)
I recall as a young girl reading fairy tales and they always ended with “…and they lived happily ever after”. But what happens when one spouse’s life is cut short from illness, accident or suicide? Typically, a grieving widow is left to pick up the pieces and make sense of the tragedy. This heartbreaking loss can be even further compounded by family and friends—who despite having the young widow’s best interest at heart—make missteps, creating an added emotional burden.
After speaking with members of the Young, Widowed & Dating support group, these actions, though well intended, did more harm than good:
Telling Me I’m “Young Enough to Find a New Husband”
Would you tell a mother who has suffered a miscarriage not to grieve because she’s young enough to have another child? The same rule of thumb applies to widows. Our husbands are irreplaceable. Even if we are fortunate enough to remarry, it doesn’t diminish the pain of having lost a partner. We lose a part of ourselves when a spouse dies. The pain may dull over the years but when it flares up—six months or six years later—it’s like “Day 1” all over again.
Implying Your Divorce is “Kinda The Same Thing”
I cringe every time a divorcee says “you can understand since divorce is like a death without a funeral”. There is finality in a relationship that ends with a death. There is no hope for reconciliation here on Earth. There is no random possibility that the other person will “come around” and give the relationship a second chance. Our children don’t get weekend visits to heaven. We don’t get to hear our husband’s voice on the other end of a phone call, even it’s just to iron out a child’s upcoming summer schedule. It’s not “kinda the same”. It’s not the same at all; not by any stretch of the imagination.
Asking Why I’m Not Over It Yet
Losing a spouse is life altering, especially when he dies unexpectedly. While family and friends can often be counted on to lend a listening ear and show support, there are inevitably those who don’t get how traumatizing the experience can be for us. For some reason, the six month marks seems to be the “magic number” where people expect widows to go back to being who we once were. Please realize that we’re forever changed; there is no “going back”.
Judging Me for Dating…Or Not
When a young widow of 33 from Arkansas seemed to have moved on too quickly following the loss of her spouse, she felt judged by family and friends. Prior to her husband’s death, she had an incredibly supportive person in her life and started dating this gentleman once she was widowed. She wanted to have as normal a life as possible and dating gave her some semblance of normalcy.
Another widow, 39, from Florida said her wanting to date again seemed to signal to others that she was “over” her husband and perhaps didn’t love him as much as they’d assumed she did.
It’s been over four years since I lost my own husband and at times I’m questioned for “wasting my life” and not following some unknown “Widow 101” guide that dictates that it’s time for me to “move on” with my life. There’s never a right or wrong time to date. It’s a widow’s choice and frankly, no one else’s business.
Suggesting I Stop Wearing My Wedding Ring
A few months ago when the thought of dating crossed my mind, I inquired about “wedding ring protocol” (I’m still wearing mine). I was taken aback when someone said, “The ring you carry after [your husband’s] death is just a decoration because the ring does not exist the moment he died. Remove the ring and move on with your life”.
It’s MY ring, placed on MY finger by MY husband and I have the right to wear it for as long as I see fit. I’ve met several widows who started dating while wearing their wedding bands. I know it undoubtedly takes a special kind of guy to be “okay” with this.
Recently while having a telephone conversation with a potential suitor, I mentioned my ring. His reply was unexpected but fair: Are you wearing it because you still feel married? In that case, a relationship between us wouldn’t work. If you’re wearing it simply because you’re not ready, then I’m okay with that because I’ve never lost a spouse so I won’t pretend to understand.
And, while I certainly don’t feel married, the decision to remove my ring will be mine alone.
Thinking I’m “Okay”
Yes, we admit it’s no fun to be around someone in the throes of depression and mourning the loss of a life partner. We definitely appreciate the outpouring of support we received from family, friends, coworkers and our church family in the months following the death, but now it’s been 10 months or even two years and no one seems to remember that we’re still hurting…still grieving. Though we may look like we’re “better”, we’re often one memory or song on the radio away from reliving the pain all over again. Please continue to check on us. Ask how we’re holding up…if we need a listening ear. You never know the type of day we may be having.
Forgetting I Exist
Many widows were once the life of the party. The one their girlfriends called to check out the new trendy restaurant or attend the concert in a nearby city. Now, the calls have all but stopped. We want you to keep calling us, even if we decline your invitations.
As one young widow pointed out: I was so appreciative of friends who just kept inviting me to do things, even if I only attended 1 out of 10 events. It meant a lot to have loved ones who kept reaching out, and who were so very patient until I was ready or had a good enough day to participate.
And a special note to in-laws: While I’ve been fortunate to have been blessed with the most incredible in-laws who still consider me a part of the family, I understand that’s not always the case. For parents who lost their son and ultimately a relationship with their daughter-in-law and/or grandchildren, I encourage you to try to mend the fences. You’re in pain. She’s in pain. The children are in pain. Allow the love for the decedent to pull you closer. There is strength in numbers. Heal together.
Avoiding Saying My Husband’s Name
We miss our spouses. There will forever be a dull pain that takes our breath away every time his name is mentioned. Please know however, that we do not want him to ever be forgotten. It’s okay to share your favorite story of him. It’s alright to say his name.
A Young, Widowed & Dating group member from Morrisville, N.C., was 46 with a five year old when she lost her spouse. They relish in the stories and memories her family and friends share with them. It helps keep her husband’s memory alive.
After my hubby died, his Facebook friends reached out to me. Many of them I had never met but they all seemed to have the same story: I remember having a problem and he did everything possible to help me resolve the issue.
It made my heart full knowing there were so many other people whose lives were touched by him. It helped me celebrate his life and the way he lived it. Stories of him helping others continue to remind me to be kinder, more empathetic…to understand everyone has a story.
Nothing takes away the pain of losing a spouse. We only ask that you give thought to your words and actions as it relates to our loss. Often, we’re grieving in the only way we may know how and are taking things day by day.
I would like to add that I can say with comfort and certainty, that this is a very good list but also, being a member of several closed groups for widows/widowers I have often read the same comments from many others!
If I had a dime for every person who told me "you're young, you'll marry again", I'd be almost rich, lol! Quite honestly, that is not what you want to or are ready to hear in those first weeks or months (longer for many). I am at the point now where I could entertain the notion if all the circumstances were right but back then? Nope!
I have been told by others that get "get it" because they are divorced and "it is pretty much the same thing." I have had people compare their situation to mine because their spouse travels for work and is gone for days at a time. I'm sure that (most) of these folks are well meaning and just trying to convey understanding and empathy! But IT"S NOT THE SAME! This is a source of many hurt feelings in the groups I belong to and many consider it offensive :( . It is even harder (from what I read) if there are younger children at home where the newly widowed person gets no breaks with shared custody etc.
I personally know people who have been judged harshly for "dating to soon" and others for stating that they will never date/marry etc. again. Whatever is right for each person, is right!
I continued to wear my wedding ring for a little over a year along with my "family" ring on the same finger. I took it off because I felt I was ready to wear just the family ring and because a couple of prongs were wonky and I didn't want to lose a diamond. I recently has to stop wearing my family ring because I literally wore it out! I may have the band built up again at some point but right now it is not an expense I want to tackle and I am comfortable where I am.
I am okay. Really! 99% of the time I am happy, confident, strong, and content! But, as the author mentions; 1 song, the angle of the sun through the clouds in a certain way, driving past or behind a truck just like Jeff's, can have to ability to turn my mood in an instant. Not always. Not even often anymore. But sometimes. And, you never know when. Odd. Or maybe not. The heart/mind connection is fickle.
And I'm lucky, I still have friends that were "our friends," and new friends who include me. They have not "forgotten that I exist!" But yes, I have others who do not. Sometimes I wish they would but, they are probably not including me thinking that I may be uncomfortable as the "third wheel", the only singleton, in the group. The truth is that maybe I would feel uncomfortable. And maybe not. Usually not. The truth is, that it is often them that feels uncomfortable. And if that is the case, its okay. I don't want others to be made uncomfortable by my (single) presence. The truth is, that those numbers of 1 in 10 events is probably quite accurate. I know I have chosen to avoid gatherings and events on many occasions for a multitude of reasons, including not being "ready." In the beginning, I stayed away from several gatherings not because I didn't want to go but because I did not want to become the "focus" of the gathering. People would inevitably gather around to hear the latest on how I (and the kids) were doing, see what my plans were, gawk at the "poor widow woman" etc. That would not have been fair to the person the gathering/event was to celebrate. I just did not want to take away from them! However, I caught some flack for those decisions, both to my face and behind my back. Those who judged didn't ask me why I didn't go, they just made assumptions. Now I work full time. Usually 40-45 hours a week over 5 days. Normal, right? Yes! But, as a single person trying to maintain a home and all the upkeep it requires (which takes time on my 2 days off!) and on a single income (and admittedly a much smaller income than that of my husband!) in what used to be a two income home, I don't have the luxury of taking off from work for every event or gathering that comes up. Believe me, I wish I could be that person I once was, attending everything, hosting much etc. But the reality is that I can not. I am as okay with this as I can be but so often others are not. I have been judged over and over. Harshly judged. My available free time is limited and usually there is much that needs to be done. Please try and understand.
It has been said, once again, to my face and behind my back, that I should sell the house, move to a condo, etc. Oh the advice! That I would be better off, not have to work as much, have more time etc. But only I know what is best for me and best for my kids. Best for us all at this time in our lives. And because of that, I work. I am fortunate enough to be able to support the choices I have made. It would be nice (but unrealistic) if those judgmental folks could try some compassionate understanding here. The whole "don't judge until you've walked a mile in my shoes" phrase come to the forefront of my mind here.
And lastly,
I think I have made it clear that it is okay to say his name, to bring
up memories, to talk about the past! IT IS OKAY people! :) It will always be okay!
If I have helped you understand a widow or widower better by sharing this article and my personal insights, then I'm happy :) If I have offended anyone then I am truly sorry! (but if I have then perhaps you have to ask yourself why?) :( I always promised to be honest in the nicest way I could so here it is folks, just me being honest. Now, get out there and
"Make every moment count!"
(((Hugs)))
Brenda
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